disconnect

I've been experiencing an odd disconnect between mind and body lately.

Last night I was laying in bed at 2 am trying to fall asleep (it failed). I could feel that my body was uncomfortable, that I was underneath my comforter, that my hand was by my head and that my hair was tickling my face constantly. But it didn't seem like it was me. My mind didn't really process it all like it belonged to me...bodily sensations were all very vague and far away. What was me was this person trying to sleep; what was not me was this body preventing me from doing so. I couldn't tell if I was alert or not. But I couldn't fall asleep until past 3.

The same thing happened at the gym today. I was stretching on the mats and I could feel my muscles stretching, but they felt very strangely foreign. I always know what it feels like when I stretch, and this didn't feel like I was stretching. The stretching feeling was disconnected, as if I were observing from above.

If I was still in 5th grade, these types of feelings would perhaps suggest that I was an alien or an especially well-designed robot that was starting to wear down. I think at this age, I'm relatively convinced I'm a human. But it still reminds me that I'm just a mass of cells and that perhaps it is my "normal" sense--that my mind and body interact in a way that makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts--that's strange.

temporary state

I finished Sophie's World, and I liked it a lot; as soon as I get the time (maybe this weekend?) I'm going to start on One Hundred Years of Solitude.

We had a party last night and played a real drinking game for the first time ever (Kings). A lot of alcohol. I had enough to make me quite dizzy. It was good stuff though, mostly margaritas, so it was like drinking...lemonade. Lots of fun, but I also don't like being that dizzy, so I don't think I'll do it again any time soon.

I think I'm getting closer to my female friends here, so that's good :) Not such a male-dominated life. Although spring break is still going to be like eight guys + me and Tina. Oh well.

So I'm hanging in here

for once, it fails

i had chocolate for breakfast (dark chocolate with hazelnut toffee), chocolate for dinner (mozartkugel truffle from austria), and chocolate as an almost-midnight snack (christmas truffle with coconut). and somehow it still doesn't make me happier.

for secret santa peng gave me a dark chocolate truffle collection (or will give, as soon as it comes in the mail), chocolate infused with exotic spices. one has mexican vanilla bean. another has balsamic vinegar. another has ginger and wasabi. another has chilies and cinnamon. i'm looking forward to it. i look forward to the weekend too.

back.

Here I am again. It's a little weird being back again. I'm trying to cheer up but it's a little bit hard. I guess I'll write more about that later. I found that I didn't really want to be around people tonight. I kind of just liked being alone...but people came and found me. I do appreciate that they wanted to see me. It was really nice of everyone to come to the airport to get me, plus they helped me carry my extensive amounts of luggage :P Peng gave me homemade chocolate chip cookies; that was really nice (especially coming from him)...and they were very yummy. Tina gave me chocolate from the San Diego Zoo. Winnie gave me some chocolate too. As far as the sweets department goes, I'm more than set for the week.

Sleepy.

the writing of "2007"

Today I wrote, for the first time, 2007 as the year when I was filling out the date. It was on my passport application. Incidentally, I didn't get around to actually getting the passport renewed, so the date on the form is actually invalid. But it still stands as the first time I committed our new year to paper!

This year I will be 20. Granted, there are another 8 months until that happens, but it's still mind-boggling. 20?!? ANCIENT!!

14/8 and counting

7/11 of break is over. That is quite sad. I haven't gotten to spend enough time with my Austin friends at all--it's weird; I don't think about Austin much when I'm at Stanford, but when I'm back home I realize how much I like my old friends and how much I enjoy being with them. And so it's sad that we only get to see each other sporadically a couple times a year!

Yesterday I spent all day with Daniel.....we saw Happy Feet with other old LBJ people, went to Borders and browsed, then went to Barnes & Noble and browsed some more, ate a warm cinnamon roll (which I thought was good and he thought was bad), hung out at his house, sat back and pretended to be useful while Sam cooked spaghetti for dinner...it was a really nice and peaceful day. Today I baked cookies with Justin (my brother) all morning: chocolate chip, chocolate chocolate chunk, and sugar with strawberry jam. YUM :D Hannah and Aaron came over at night and we watched Bride & Prejudice (really funny if you've read P&P) and talked until past 1 am and that was also really nice and peaceful.

I very much dislike the fact that soon after classes start again will be recruiting season for summer internships. Applications aren't so bad, but I am really quite terrible (really!) at interviews and so I dread them and they stress me out a lot. And unfortunately they're important. Grr.

ten year olds these days

Yesterday my brother told me he was learning about muscles. I pointed to my calf, and he said that was the "gastrocnemius," and then he pointed to his side and said those were the "latissimus dorsi, but I thought for a long time that they were the latissimus dorsocks!"

Latissimus dorsocks. I didn't even learn about those until I was 16. Seriously, kids these days.

my house

Two pictures which summarize my day well:

1. Our pantry, aka why we will survive for two months even if there is a tornado and we're stranded in our house with no outside contact.


2. After day 1: our house now has one clean room! :D YESS....now onto the other five or so rooms.

not food

I forgot how Austin-y Austin is. I love driving back home because I know where everything is (at least everything I want to get to right now). And all the streets are wide and uncrowded and unscary. And my car is beauuuutiful.

too much play

Apples to Apples was fun. Apple vodka was fun. Laughing with Winnie was fun. Orchestra concert was fun, especially because so many people came :) and made banners that said "We <3 Helen" and I felt very loved. It was quite wonderful...so I've had a pretty good weekend. Haven't managed to get more than 6 hours of sleep though (I thought weekends were supposed to be time to catch up on sleep?). We drew straws for Secret Santa! More fun. I think I need to do more work....

It's almost crunch time. Paper due Friday, one final Sunday, one the Monday after, interview Wednesday, final Friday. Then home! :)