late night conversations

Last night was another late night: this time, talking to Clare and Francis until 5 am. Oh boy. Several interesting things came up though.

First, group dynamics. Our group is, as Clare puts it, "very clannish." We're like a family, everyone is loyal to each other, we move and operate as a group. This means that everyone is friends with everyone else, but also that people don't necessarily get close to everyone in the group--there are just too many. And then people end up feeling like they don't really know anyone, or that they're not as close to the others as they'd like. I don't know if this is just a side effect of having to spread limited amounts of energy and free time too thinly, or just because we are inherently defective as human beings and as a group. I personally have never felt too much of a problem with it, because I do have a few people within the group who I'm pretty close to, but apparently others have.

Second...the concept of living for others, and of being a "good person." Clare and I had this sort of mind puzzle a while back: imagine two worlds, one entirely populated by perfect practicing Christians (i.e. they all believe fully in Christianity, do their best to live according to God's word, and will never have reason to doubt), and the other populated by perfect atheists (i.e. all believe fully in logic and scientific reasoning and are never tempted by religion). Would either be as successful as our world today? Would they explode? Would they both be better? We imagined that the Christian world would tend towards a Communist-ish society, where the rich and poor gravitate towards a middle ground and everyone is on equal social and economic footing...would this lead to a homogenous and eventually stagnant society? It's interesting to think about because although Clare loves us all, no one in our group is really religious except her. And she believes that none of us are really "good people" in the sense that we are all ultimately selfish, and she thinks a world where everyone was Christian would be a great place. And we've talked about this a lot before, but for some reason, last night it resonated a little bit more with me. And as a result, I thought about the fact that I really do live entirely for myself, and maybe I should really care about other people more, not just in relation to myself but purely for their sake.

I don't know, just thoughts. The two streams above are connected, because Clare wants more Christian friends. Francis wants more friends period. And I....well, I guess I want more female friends. But I'm pretty happy where I am right now. As Clare puts it, I was fortunate enough to be born into the top whatever percent of the world, to be born smart and capable, to have everything handed to me on a platter, to be a cow munching happily!, and thus I find no difficulty in being happy. It's true. Despite my complaints (like the post two below), I am happy overall. I wonder if my personality and ability to be easily satisfied would be the same had I been born into a less fortunate situation.

wow that was incoherent.

kafka on the shore

As long as I'm reading I can almost forget about everything else. Hours at a time when I can be absorbed in my book and let time pass...thoughts about the book supercede my own. There's nothing else quite like it. Sometimes to keep the feeling I ignore all my homework, don't go out, just sit on my bed all day and read. I guess that's the solitary part of me manifesting itself. But on nice days like today I just open my window and I can feel the breeze, the sunshine...it's so wonderful.

spring break!! please come soon.

geostationary banana over texas

Maybe one of the weirdest things I have ever heard of?

http://www.geostationarybananaovertexas.com/en.html

i <3 books

I had a delightful day today. No reason even really, since I had classes from 11 am - 6 pm, but I was just in a good mood. Maybe because I read all day yesterday....anyhow, perhaps this not talking to Daniel thing is working (or...I'm just having a good day). Either way, life!

ps. I'm giving up desserts for two weeks. Not for Lent. The fact that Lent started today was entirely coincidental, believe it or not. But yes. Desserts does not include candy and plain chocolate, but it does include cake, ice cream, pie, and other dessert-like items. I will still get my chocolate though! Without that I would die!

norwegian wood

I didn't realize when I started reading this book that it was a love story. In fact I didn't realize it until I was almost done. All I knew about Haruki Murakami was that his books were supposed to be kind of weird. But it's a lovely and beautiful book. I started it this morning and just now finished it. I didn't do any work all day, but it was worth it...just read...enjoy...ignore problem sets. Reading it made me sink into this story-like stupor and I noticed myself taking on the emotions of the characters--not specific emotions, just the mood of the book in general. Kind of nostalgic. Fitting with my real mood anyway, I suppose, although of a slightly different timbre than mine had been.

disconnect

I've been experiencing an odd disconnect between mind and body lately.

Last night I was laying in bed at 2 am trying to fall asleep (it failed). I could feel that my body was uncomfortable, that I was underneath my comforter, that my hand was by my head and that my hair was tickling my face constantly. But it didn't seem like it was me. My mind didn't really process it all like it belonged to me...bodily sensations were all very vague and far away. What was me was this person trying to sleep; what was not me was this body preventing me from doing so. I couldn't tell if I was alert or not. But I couldn't fall asleep until past 3.

The same thing happened at the gym today. I was stretching on the mats and I could feel my muscles stretching, but they felt very strangely foreign. I always know what it feels like when I stretch, and this didn't feel like I was stretching. The stretching feeling was disconnected, as if I were observing from above.

If I was still in 5th grade, these types of feelings would perhaps suggest that I was an alien or an especially well-designed robot that was starting to wear down. I think at this age, I'm relatively convinced I'm a human. But it still reminds me that I'm just a mass of cells and that perhaps it is my "normal" sense--that my mind and body interact in a way that makes the whole greater than the sum of its parts--that's strange.

temporary state

I finished Sophie's World, and I liked it a lot; as soon as I get the time (maybe this weekend?) I'm going to start on One Hundred Years of Solitude.

We had a party last night and played a real drinking game for the first time ever (Kings). A lot of alcohol. I had enough to make me quite dizzy. It was good stuff though, mostly margaritas, so it was like drinking...lemonade. Lots of fun, but I also don't like being that dizzy, so I don't think I'll do it again any time soon.

I think I'm getting closer to my female friends here, so that's good :) Not such a male-dominated life. Although spring break is still going to be like eight guys + me and Tina. Oh well.

So I'm hanging in here

for once, it fails

i had chocolate for breakfast (dark chocolate with hazelnut toffee), chocolate for dinner (mozartkugel truffle from austria), and chocolate as an almost-midnight snack (christmas truffle with coconut). and somehow it still doesn't make me happier.

for secret santa peng gave me a dark chocolate truffle collection (or will give, as soon as it comes in the mail), chocolate infused with exotic spices. one has mexican vanilla bean. another has balsamic vinegar. another has ginger and wasabi. another has chilies and cinnamon. i'm looking forward to it. i look forward to the weekend too.

back.

Here I am again. It's a little weird being back again. I'm trying to cheer up but it's a little bit hard. I guess I'll write more about that later. I found that I didn't really want to be around people tonight. I kind of just liked being alone...but people came and found me. I do appreciate that they wanted to see me. It was really nice of everyone to come to the airport to get me, plus they helped me carry my extensive amounts of luggage :P Peng gave me homemade chocolate chip cookies; that was really nice (especially coming from him)...and they were very yummy. Tina gave me chocolate from the San Diego Zoo. Winnie gave me some chocolate too. As far as the sweets department goes, I'm more than set for the week.

Sleepy.

the writing of "2007"

Today I wrote, for the first time, 2007 as the year when I was filling out the date. It was on my passport application. Incidentally, I didn't get around to actually getting the passport renewed, so the date on the form is actually invalid. But it still stands as the first time I committed our new year to paper!

This year I will be 20. Granted, there are another 8 months until that happens, but it's still mind-boggling. 20?!? ANCIENT!!